The Best Gift

by

Emma Dalmayne

Have you ever gone shopping for birthday or Christmas present’s and ended up leaving the shop in tears?

That was me two years ago. You see my little girl is going through the assessment process for Autism, nothing new to me as my other children are on the spectrum as am I.

This time though, this was hard.

I had saved up and it was four days before Christmas, I had bought my daughter nothing as of yet as she displayed an interest in little.

I took her to a popular children's store which sells toys and clothes, and as I walked around praying no one would look into her eyes and cause a meltdown it hit me.

Among all the expensive beautifully boxed dolls, prams and little dresses there was nothing, nothing she would play with!

Every mother wants to be able to buy her little girl her first doll, and watch them cuddle them and put them into a little pram. My little girl however had only one use for dolls and that was to throw them or drag them along by their hair.

The clothes didn't appeal to her as she screamed as if in pain when I changed her clothing so only the softest materials would be tolerated no flouncy dresses.

I left the shop in tears with nothing for her.

I cried that she wouldn't have presents under the tree that she would like.

Then it hit me! I would buy her things she did like, they weren't conventional and no they weren't typical but my little sweetheart is not typical, she's Neurodiverse.

I went back in and got her the most expensive dolly in the shop ( just in case) , then went to a household goods shop and got her some wooden spoons, sponges with scratchy backing which she loved to suck and a metal bar of soap,for removing odours which I knew she'd fall in love with as she loves the taste of metal and lastly some brightly coloured scrubbers.

Christmas morning dawned and after having support to open her presents as she would be worried by opening the paper she played with, and only with her new sensory items.

The doll? Well, she's never played with it.

The moral being don't look at convention don't attempt to be typical with spectrum children's gifts. They are not Neurotypical children and may want different thing.

Just because our children aren't playing with the new must have toy it means little as long as they are stimulated and happy.

As for me crying I look back and regret it, as my darling was perfectly happy that morning and what was I actually crying for anyway? Funnily enough now she adores princess dresses and tiaras, but still will not play with dolls.

The best gift I have is that she's happy and that is all I could ask for.

Sensory seeking and feedback.

by

Emma Dalmayne

What helps my children will help yours though maybe in different ways. If your child has sensory seeking behaviours this article is for you.

Glossary:.

Oral- mouthing so chewing, licking and biting.

Tactile-your sense of touch , a child who likes to seek out tactile sensory experiences may stroke and touch many different textures.

Olfactory – sense of smell, so lots f sniffing and seeking new attractive smells.

Priopreception-your sense of where you are in space, where your feet end and the floor begins. Children who have Prioprective seeing tendencies may stamp , tread heavily and sit down hard for the impact.

Vestibular- a vestibular seeker will enjoy spinning and rocking, they may enjoy swinging and rocking .

Visual-the sense of sight. A visual seeker will enjoy looking at different lights and colours.

Many children enjoy tilting their heads to one side to watch car wheels spin, or squinting to change their visual perception.

Many of your children may display sensory seeking behaviours including oral , tactile and olfactory .

They may bounce, spin and rock.

This may include for oral seekers chewing on their collars, mouths or hands and licking.

To help redirect this there are Chewys and chewlery available online and for children who only choose to chew on material a clean washcloth or wristband will help.

For children that are tactile seeking having a bag of items to feedback from is a good idea. Encourage them to touch a variety of textures for example your bag could contain first aid crinkly blanket ( space blanket) , bubble wrap, soft fleecy materials, pine cones, and carpet square samples. Astros turf samples and feathers , large seashells and smooth cool stones to feel.

Some stretchy toys are great to fiddle with for tactile feedback , spongy toys and rough items like tree bark.

Empty washing up bottles are very good for olfactory sensory seekers. Simply wash out ,dry and put in colourful Pom poms soaked in vanilla essence or lavender. An empty jar with a few holes in the lid stiffed with lavender is a good calming tool. Make sure they are done up good and tight , a glue gun is excellent for this.

For children who are sensory seeking by bouncing provide crash mats and trampolines for priopreceptive feedback.

Spinning and rocking is seeking to balance the vestibular sense , swinging your child gently in a hammock shaped sheet is great for this as are sit on spinning toys.

Visual seekers will enjoy bubble tubes, fibre optics, sand timers and light up toys are that are visually stimulating. For more visual fun try tinted lenses glasses and a bubble machine.

These are all things my children enjoy and I do hope they help yours. If your child is flooding the bathroom , playing in the toilet or and tipping your shampoos out everywhere they are sensory seeking. They are not misbehaving so redirection is what's called for. Buy a tuff tray usually used by builders for mixing cement and mortar on, or an old baby bath will do or a water play table and set out some sensory play,

Sensory play is easy and fun and needed for our children with sensory needs.

It helps to ground and regulate them.

Some cheap,easy examples are:

Water play, bubbles, foamy soap , bath paints and empty bottles for pouring.

Rice, lentils, pasta and dried beans for pouring. Never use black beans or kidney beans as they are toxic until cooked.

These are things that will help calm and stimulate your children and in turn keep your sanity intact , above all they are fun and children learn through what they experience in their environment.

Shutdowns

by

Emma Dalmayne

You're out shopping with your child, it's busy lots of people walking past with shopping trolleys and baskets. They are wearing different varieties of clothing, textures and colours contrasting. Some of them have on deodorant or perfume. Some aren't and need to.

There's bright packaging and tins on the shelves, different smells of bakery bread and doughnuts. People are discussing what to have for dinner, a baby screams and someone laughs loudly. Tinny music plays, tills beep,and the fifty hertz drone of the fridge freezers hum.

The overhead strip lighting blinks sixty beats a second which is plainly visible to someone with light sensitivity.

Then everything stops.

It's as if your on a merry go round that's suddenly frozen, words and sounds slur into a drawl.

Your child silently sinks to the floor and lies down.

Most parents reaction is to try to get them up. The floors not clean and they are embarrassed, people tut and make a big thing of going around you with their trolley.

What they don't realise is that your child grounding.

They have had an overload of sensory invasion, the floor has began to tilt and the rooms swaying. They need priopreceptive feedback, something cool and solid to regulate themselves on. So they do what anyone would want to do when feeling like they just got off a roller coaster.

They sink down.

What as a parent should you do? This is not a meltdown, this is not a painful sensory overload. This is a need to regain control, to breathe and feel the solidness beneath their cheek and palms as the world and surrounding environment slows down.

The feeling is best described as disorientation and loss of balance.

Sit down with your child.

Yes it's in the middle of the supermarket/ high street/ bank queue but pulling them onto their feet before they are ready will cause a meltdown of epic proportions.

Firm rubbing on their back and low words of encouragement will help your child know that you are there and they are safe. When they are ready sit them up, take it slowly and help them up as they may be unsteady.

They need to be somewhere quiet and if that means abandoning the shopping do so as right now they need to be getting home.

We as adults can experience shutdowns. It may be after a stressful communication, or a particularly busy work day. Spinning and feeling like a vortex is pulling you down the only thing to do is make your way to bed, lie down and sleep.

This will answer the questions of why your child lies down in the street, it's not naughtiness or being stubborn. As someone with Autism I can say from my perspective it's like being on a floor that's moving and desperately trying to stay upright.

1.Sink.

2.Ground.

3.Regulate.

4.Recover.

5.Rise.

The five phases of a shutdown.

Neurotypical Dreams

by

Emma Dalmayne

In the past week I've seen some posts on Facebook by parents expressing their disappointment in their children, and an article in the media seemingly promoting faeces being implanted into an autistic child thus ‘curing ‘ the child's autism.

As an autistic adult this horrifies me, and has driven me to campaign against harmful unscientifically proven so called treatments against autistics.

I was asked two days ago in an interview what, in my opinion makes parents try these so called treatments on their children? A mixture of brainwashing and desperation to have the Neurotypical child these parents have always dreamed of. Manipulative people playing on the fears and insecurities that as parents we are never doing quite enough to help our children and the misinformation mixed with propaganda that autism is external to the child and is a treatable medical condition. In favour of all the mothers who are Neurotypical and post on FB that you are worried your child will never ‘fit in’, that they will never have friends and that you wish they would play like ‘ normal’ children. That you wish they would stop repeating the same phrases and talking about the same subjects, that their autistic behaviours are disgusting and embarrassing and that you would cure them if you had the chance this is for you.

I'm an autistic adult, I was once your child.

The child you shush as they vocally stimm in the supermarket trying to cope with the hum of the fridges.

The child who never fitted in, who was bullied and tried to make friends with children who never accepted them.

The child who lined up their dolls so they could see how perfect they were, how lovely they were looking straight ahead faces unhidden and motives apparent.

And the child who still walks in a daydream moving to their own beat and still hears the echoes of remarks past.

Your child stands on the edge of the playground, it's morning and you are dropping them off. This is what you see:

Other children running, laughing and screaming.

Children playing with one another, talking to each other and comparing cards, toys and whispering with giggles erupting.

Mothers dropping their children off at the gate and watching their child speed off to be greeted by their peers, they smile and swing their bag higher onto their shoulder then turn and leave. They seem confident that their child is fine and already thinking about the shopping they have to do or the job they have to get to.

You look at your child.

They stand slightly behind you staring ahead and one hand flaps slightly.

You encourage them to go forward and socialise, your voice straining slightly from with held tears and you fein a smile and say “Go ahead hunny! That boys in your class right?” Pointing to a loud happy boy who's high fiveing a class mate.

They examine the concrete with an intensity that's staggering.

You look at your child.

Will he ever have friends? You wonder, will he go to birthday parties and sleepovers?

Will I ever be that mother leaving the school confidently?

You sigh as the teacher comes out, and smile as other children flock over to line up with your child. Your child always has to be first in line, if they aren't there's a meltdown of epic proportions. You remember the last one in the department store, the random screaming with no apparent trigger and the frustration at having to abandon yet another shopping trip.

The frantic pulling at your child's hands which were firmly clamped to their ears as they screamed over and over, ‘What's wrong? What is it? How can I know if you don't tell me?!” You shouted.

The crying you did in the car as they sat strapped into their car seat, quiet now.

Why you? You sob, why them?

This what your child saw in the playground:

Children running in random patterns omitting screeching sounds. Their faces blurred as their expressions changed rapidly, laughing and pushing each other for no apparent logical reason.

Colours, so many and loads of different clothing styles and textures.

Children comparing cards and toys which are mass produced and they all HAVE to have them. They all match or try to.

Whispering and sly looks as they realise that your child's there.

They look up and see their your expression? You look sad as you watch the other children playing, and they know you feel that way because of them. They overheard you the previous night on the phone saying to someone that you wish that once, just once you would get invited somewhere, anywhere!

They start with horror as you encourage them to go and play with the most popular boy in the class, the one who calls them a freak whenever he meets their eye.

The one who tripped them up last week at lunch, who put their latest trainer clad foot on a pound of their pocket money when it spilled from their pocket as it hit the floor.

The concrete they notice has flecks of red stone in it, they hadn't previously noticed these before and they lock in and concentrate on them. Snatches of conversation from nearby clusters of children are filed away for later. A new toy to mention in the hope of inclusion in a discussion maybe? A new music group is praised and your child will later mimic the tone and words of the child saying it to gain a smile from a peer.

They would have discussed the recent development in politics they watched last night on the news but doubt other children will show interest.

They have friends, the teacher is their friend who discusses politics and current events with them. Who's amazed by their knowledge and dry wit.

The boy in the year above who smiles shyly at them as they silently play alongside wench other on the computers in the IT suite.

Hands flapping slightly.

A birthday invite is handed out at break time, mercifully they are not handed one as the thought of balloons, games and watching another child open presents in front of holds zero appeal.

They remember the shopping trip to the department store.

The overwhelming noise of the tills, the frustration of not being able to move in the queue.

The feeling of falling as it got to much and of you.

Of you screaming at them and trying to pull their hands off their ears, of you crying in the car sobbing why? Why me? Why you?

Do you see now?

Your child has feelings you don't account for and feels more then you realise.

Who are these wished for birthday invites to? You or your child?

Who are these sleepovers for? You or your child?

The desperation for a child who's so called normal, who ‘fits in’ screams from you.

You are prime targets for snake oil salesman peddling cure alls which, if you don't sort yourself out and open your eyes to the special unique little individual in front of you you could be suckered into.

You have your child, they may not fit your box hell why should they?

Get them into a child political debating team, invite the quiet kid over for dinner and stop wishing for things your child does not want, may never want!

Get some sensory integration in place, buy some ear defenders and read articles by autistic adults not mass produced books by people who are not autistic. Lastly if a treatments unproven scientifically, if you are advised not to approach doctors or inform anyone you are using it stop it immediately.

There is no cure for autism. Your child is autistic and you need to accept that and do all you can to help them. Not help them fit in, help them stand out in their Neurodiverse glory!

Let go of your Neurotypical dreams, accept the Autistic reality.